Sunday, August 25, 2013

Ida T. Heurtze The Muse

After gaining a nasty rash in Milan Ida decided to accept an invitation from renowned French artist Pierre La Pong who had initially made his name painting blimps before discovering women and eager to switch to painting life studies.

Ida who has developed a taste for Pizza in Milan was the perfect muse for the little man with a bad temper, which is apparently a common illness among Frenchmen.

She mounted a train ticket and travelled backwards to Paris, via Prague, Istanbul, Munich and Moscow because trains kept going to places she didn’t intend to go to and the stations insisted in writing in foreign.

Eventually finding someone to ask who understood her Nark accent she managed to get a train to Paris, but got thrown off halfway for slapping the guard who had been keen to “Put ze hole in ze teeket…”

She managed to get a later train to Paris and was met at the station by Pierre’s assistant Morris, who insisted on pronouncing his name Mooreesse, which was wrong.

Paris was full of foreigners just like Milan, making Ida wonder how they managed to find anything as all the signs were also in foreign, and so was the food, although their muesli was almost a decent alternative to porridge, even if it tasted strange with salt.

Pierre had bought bigger canvasses in preparation for Ida, and gasped with awe the first time the now famous smut monkey removed her camel hair underwear and assumed the position for him to paint her.

Using all the skills he’d gained from painting zeppelins, the little Frenchman standing on his favourite stool, set about immortalising the woman who was becoming the object of his desires.

For her part Ida was somewhat confused expecting some kind of elaborate face painting, and her confusion only grew as the little man broke off from painting and dragged his stool across to the sofa he insisted on calling a Shay Long or something… Then grabbing her hand and kissing his way up her arm before almost passing out as he got too close to Ida’s hairy armpit.

Coming close to passing out was interpreted by Pierre as love, which he’d only experienced previously after discovering mirrors.

Their affair became the talk of Paris, with other Frenchmen envying Pierre as he paraded his muse around all the flesh spots in Paris, and suddenly his art was in demand and he became as famous for portraying folds of white flesh as his platform shoes with fashionably square toes.

The lovers shared an apartment in Paris for three years, but their relationship ended when the little man discovered a thirst for power, like so many little Frenchmen before him and went into politics.

As you can’t be a French politician without having at least one mistress, Pierre was now too tired to satisfy Ida’s insatiable lust and she stormed out to begin a wild and tempestuous relationship with Pierre’s biggest rival, the sculptor Alan Mon Sweat.

Their relationship was wild and dirty, because he worked with clay, but it too came to an end when Alan was bankrupted because of the extra material needed to make sculptures of his muse.

Ida then went on to inspire the rear end styling of a car by Renault’s dim witted head of design but had left the country before he found his glasses.

Ida then trained to break the record for swimming the channel from France to England but as the French, strangely, didn’t use lard for cooking she couldn’t get enough to cover her entire body and her large white carcass caused panic among the shipping fraternity who hadn’t previously seen an iceberg that far south.

Giving up on the plan to save money by swimming, Ida crossed by accident instead and decided to follow her heroine Jeremy Clarkson to become a professional feminist until it went out of fashion.

Ida then chose to use her experiences with continental foreigners to write smut because she’d heard a nasty man in advertising say once that sex sells.

It was around this time that she first set eyes on the future love of her life, General Compton Smyth when she attended a village fete as part of her book signing tour to promote her new novel 51 Shades of Pink!

He hardly noticed her at the time, and Ida was pre-occupied by a row between the vicar and his wife over an erection she had something to do with even though Ida was pretty sure she had never had an erection.

The book tour was a huge success, and Ida became famed as a writer of smut with film companies keen to buy the rights for a Hollywood version which earned Ida £42.50 and a trip to Los Angeles which is in the Village of America.

This was a strange place to Ida because all the foreigners spoke English, but she could tell they were foreigners because of their bad taste in clothes and insistence on not speaking English properly like the Scots do!



Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

Available now in Paperback from...
Createspace
https://www.createspace.com/3797405

You may also want to visit my author’s page www.amazon.com/author/neilwinnington

Saturday, August 17, 2013

General Compton Smyth and the Pea Shooter Brigade… Part Three

The experiment with Viagra laced food entered at the local fete might have been regarded as a success by General Compton Smyth and Sergeant Grimm, but there were consequences for the villagers on the receiving end.

There were three surprise pregnancies among the wives and girlfriends of the young farmers’ tug of war team, and a pending divorce as the vicar and his wife never got over her suspicions about him and the glamorous Scottish smut monkey Ida T. Heurtze.

Up until this point the involvement of the secretive young men at the smallholding could be dismissed as co-incidence, but the Battle of Aver Wallop became inevitable as events conspired to draw the innocent villagers into the military experiments General Compton Smyth’s brigade were carrying out.

Behind the scenes pressure was on to develop an effective way to use Viagra as a weapon in time for military trails involving both the Royal Marines and SAS, and while the experiments with Viagra laced food had proven successful, Sergeant Grimm for one, seriously doubted the Royal Marines would stop shooting at you for a tray of fairy cakes.

While it may be conceivable that the SAS may be distracted from a surprise attack on you for a few fondant cakes, it was agreed that other ways of delivering “the payload” would have to be perfected.

In field trials, in the field behind the farmhouse, the most effective delivery system by far was the use of pea shooters, or blowpipes as the soldiers preferred to call them.

With practice the squaddies proved very adept at shooting Viagra pills straight into the open mouth of an opponent at anything up to ten feet, or three metres in new money.

Sergeant Grimm realised such close quarters combat required the right kind of terrain, so marched the squaddies into nearby woodland to practice camouflage, tree climbing and ambush techniques.

As the soldiers in the Brigade knew what was coming it was quickly realised that splitting the brigade into two groups to practice was not at effective as having unwitting opponents who would react more naturally to an ambush.

It was thus decided, with some reluctance by the general to allow Sergeant Grimm to use unwitting villagers and ramblers as practice fodder for the training sessions.


The doctor had advised Gordon Thompson to exercise, “…try jogging. Just a little at first and build up over time…” but exercise he must to control his recent weight gain and fend off potential diabetes.

Not being one to ignore sound advice, Gordon donned a pair of purple running shorts initially purchased by his wife to use for aerobics classes she’d got bored with by the third session, and a white string vest. The look was complemented, if that’s the right term in the circumstances, by a matching pair of sweat bands on his wrists and a white head band.

New trainers and white socks did nothing to salvage the look, but by this the third outing into the woods, Gordon labouring with a reddened face and mouth wide open gasping loudly for air really didn’t care what people thought as he struggled to half way into his planned route.

Suddenly something shot into his mouth and into his throat, breaking his rhythm and starting a choking fit as the fly, or whatever it was got swallowed. In a mild state of shock Mr Thompson began shuffling on as before, feeling strangely invigorated, before an uninvited erection made it increasingly difficult to jog.

As he walked the final leg into the village of Aver Wallop his attire, which had only brought mild amusement to fellow villagers became almost hypnotic as his raging hard-on stood proudly like a tent pole below his equally large gut.

Mrs Thompson was upstairs bending over as she innocently sorted freshly cleaned underwear into her knicker drawer, but this proved too much of a temptation to the Viagra-drugged husband who entered the room to see her arse swaying so seductively in front of him.

Her protests were brief and pointless, as Gordon Thompson was as much a victim of circumstances as his wife, as he gave vent to urges barely remembered and squired his vixen of a spouse like he used to do twenty years ago.

Vera was speechless after the deed was done, and so was the exhausted Mr Thompson.


Four members of the Home Counties Ramblers Association deep in conversation as they strode by the tall hedgerows alongside Willow Ridge farm experienced a similar choking fit as the flies of the village seemed to take a suicidal charge into the mouths of people out to enjoy the British countryside.

The effects were mixed with two male ramblers recovering from their choking fit to become suddenly keen to curtail the walk a little early and take their spouses home, while Miss Farney, a normally quiet young lady of limited visual charms suddenly made her sexual interest in Rodney Brimsthwaite an IT operative for the inland revenue more than obvious and after persuading him to follow her for a diversion away from the group threw him to the ground, wrestled his corduroy trousers off and mounted him vigorously.

Thus the number of virgins among the local ramblers was reduced in number by two, and within nine months a hasty wedding was to follow.


Miss White, a well respected spinster of the parish was giving her Jack Russell Terrier, Freddie, his daily walk in the woods, and noticed him being perkier than usual by the time they returned to the village.

She was mortified though as she stopped to speak to Mrs Timpson, only for Freddie to mount the old friends leg and mate enthusiastically with her wrinkled stocking. The women’s combined screams drew a small crowd, but the efforts of Roger Belgrave to wrestle the randy terrier from Mrs Timpson’s leg brought nips from the unusually aggressive little dog, which was determined to relieve his urges in a renewed vigour.

By the time the crowd had grown to ten people the shock proved too much for the old ladies, and in the end the village vet had to sedate Freddie, while a paramedic called by one of the villagers administered oxygen to the hyperventilating and distressed old ladies.

Over the next few weeks more and more strange events surrounding the woods came to light and suspicions turned to the strange group of young men camped at the smallholding outside the village…

...To be Continued...



Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

Available now in Paperback from...
Createspace
https://www.createspace.com/3797405

You may also want to visit my author’s page www.amazon.com/author/neilwinnington


Saturday, August 10, 2013

Ida T. Heurtze and the Italian fashion house


As she cleared her desk at the Nark Ark following her battles with the editor and the incident with the tethered sheep she happened upon a letter from the Italian design house Luigi Scavadore, which she’d all but forgotten about.

It was an invitation to travel all expenses paid to Italy to view their latest collection, which the marketing department, Alfonso, was sure would appeal to the Scottish market, which the label had neglected up until that point.

The House of Scavadore was the most traditional design house in Italy, only starting to display their latest lines as recently as 1978, and tracing their roots back 300 years, having specialised in camel hair underwear, which they supplied exclusively to the Catholic Church and monasteries Worldwide.

The change in 1978 came about when family Patriarch, Alberto passed away and his flamboyant son Luigi decided to display their new designer ranges at Milan fashion week. The label remained obscure due to the limited appeal of camel hair undergarments, although there had been a certain amount of interest among the English public school fraternity.

The timing of the invitation to the Nark Ark was fortuitous being for the following week, so Ida packed her things into an envelope and travelled by first class post to the village of Milan in the Italian district of abroad.

She arrived to find the House of Scavadore in a state of mild panic, the latest camel hair gusset having left the catwalk models hired for the show with a disturbing looking rash, but Alfonso, son of Luigi, was immediately taken with the exotic looking Ida with her pink, home knitted stockings, and tweed blouse.

He immediately fell for her rugged charms and begged her to be one of the catwalk models for the new collection, which he assured her, would compliment her size 16 frame beautifully.

It took several bottles of Chianti and several evenings of romancing to persuade the Scottish seductress to agree, and by the night of the launch she had been promoted to become the main face of the reclusive design house.

The audience were almost predominantly buyers from the various international branches of the Roman Catholic church, a few nuns and Ida recognised Archie McTaggart of the Clan McTaggart, and fashion writer for the Inverness Fury, as she strutted along the catwalk with her white pasty skin contrasting nicely with the beige camel hair long sleeved vest and knee-length knickers.

There was a gasp and some giggles from the nuns at the daring design with elastic and buttons replacing the traditional need to hand sew yourself in to the scratchy garments.

The rest of the range brought similar reactions, with the monks being particularly impressed with the range of hemp socks, which were based on a traditional design usually made from old sacks.

It was regarded as a huge success, and Ida got to keep the clothes she had worn to such acclaim on the catwalk. Her relationship with Alfonso was to blossom into an affair lasting a whole twenty minutes, with the seductress deciding to stay in Milan in an apartment her Italian admirer had provided for her.

Word quickly spread and Ida’s modelling career took off with other design houses vying for her services. Italian Vogue did a photo shoot with her wearing the latest designs including a barbed wire belt and bottle top earrings from House of Scavadore along with their horsehair dinner dress.

She was courted by sportsmen and jealous suitors would fight for her affections, with the World chess champion Ivan Bovanovic coming to blows with Paulo Dicanza, the third choice goalkeeper for a football team Ida hadn’t heard of in Milan, at an event laid on at a local brothel.

The high life took its toll on the Scottish woman though. An addiction to pizza and Swiss chocolate led to her falling into ever deeper depths of depravity, her dreams of being a journalist fell by the wayside after several unsuccessful affairs, and it got so bad she almost considered a move to the Spanish Costas where she could indulge her hunger for chips and British beers.

She was saved when an Italian film director cast her as the lead in his adaptation of a British comedy Pride and Prejudice and she received great critical acclaim when the film debuted at a French village called Caan.

It led to a new career as an actress, and several whirlwind years when the name Ida T. Heurtze became was associated with some of the biggest films in Italian cinema.

But that’s another story…

To purchase one of my published novels check out my Amazon Authors page http://www.amazon.com/Neil-Winnington/e/B00CMRJZ46

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