Cycle fit the MAN’s way!

A lot of people join a gym to get fit. They go along to a session, and see people who have been going longer doing rather better than them. There’s a pervading aroma of sweat and the machines look like torture devices rejected by the Spanish inquisition! There are running machines and cycle machines that give you a spectacular view of other sweaty people in pain, a brick wall, or through a window at a scene that never moves!

Personally that is boring and somewhat pointless, expensive too! I also don’t see the point of buying a bike and then mounting it on a car to go somewhere to ride. Your mode of transport IS the bike, so use it to go somewhere worth going. Your destination is your reward!

Having said that I am going to take my getting fit VERY seriously and here is my guide to a MAN’s way to get fit!

First of all, avoid running, unless you’re playing football… and I mean proper football, where the ball is round and not shaped like a handbag. The clue is in the name of the game, so use your feet not your hands!

Running for leisure is a fast way to damaged knees and ankles and an early heart attack. Only run if someone is chasing you, or you are slightly late for your train. Otherwise get a bike, it’s more civilised, ask the Chinese. 

If you’re going to cycle to get fit, don’t go for a fashionable racing bike with a razor blade for a saddle. That is both expensive and makes you look silly. As does lycra clothing, which never looks good with a gut, or on anyone over 30!

Get a proper heavy bike, after all, you’re trying to get fit, so work a bit harder! Wear normal clothing and sweat properly! Sweating is good. It’s nature’s way of shedding weight and keeping annoying people away from you! It also proves you’ve been working hard to suspicious loved ones who think you just ride down to the pub.

If you want to take this a step further, make your own underwear from bin liners! I am modelling bin liner long johns and long sleeved vest top in this pic. I also put elastic bands on the sleeve and legs to collect my sweat. It also helps if you find yourself caught short on a ride and can’t find a public lavatory. 

(The pained expression is what it technically known as saddle sore, although I now recommend others actually fit their saddles before setting off, which can reduce the need for this expression as well!)

I empty it all into a bucket when I get home and water the garden with my own body fluids. You may find your flower beds dying back a bit and your veg tasting a bit odd, but they are resilient buggers and will grow back eventually!

I intend to start riding in steel toe-capped boots and with a heavy coat to improve my sweat production. I intend to add a set of proper mudguards and a carrier so I can add lead filled saddle bags to make it a REAL man’s bike!

You might wish to start dragging a car tyre behind you too, to prove you’re a real man! By the way running is permitted on a beach if you’re wearing bin liners and dragging a car tyre behind you. Terry Yorath used to do that and he produced Gabby, so proof, if any were needed, that bin liners are the way to go!

 Now a lot of people will tell you to watch your diet or to drink energy drinks… Rubbish! Real men have a plate full of grease and if you follow my exercise regime you’ll soon burn off the calories. Drink lots of sugary fizz too! The extra buzz will give you all the energy you need and burping is manly!

How far should you ride? It depends on how serious you are about getting fit. Five miles is a decent ride and if you aim for a country pub you can stay for a few pints and the bin liner underwear will make it look like you’ve been riding all day, and the smell will ensure you’re not bothered by anyone!

I go 12 miles each way to Chester and back, which is a proper man’s ride because there are hills and other things to impress people about when you get home. Of course, you could put on your bin liner underwear and ride one mile to and from your nearest station to go the same distance. 

I shall keep you all updated on my fitness regime on my Twitter account @NeilWinnington, and look forward to comments from other manly men who are following my MAN’s guide to fitness!

My Writing Process Blog Tour

I have to confess to being somewhat remiss when it comes to not posting enough blogs of late. In my defence I have been busy with writing books, so when Scarlett Flame http://missscarlettflame.blogspot.co.uk/2014/05/my-writing-process-blog-tour.html nominated me for this Blog Tour I felt it a good chance to catch up with you all...

...So here goes with the questions...

1) What am I working on?

Well I recently published two books. Bollywood Nights is a story set behind the scenes in the Indian film industry, telling of the erotic love story when a Bollywood Star meets an English writer. It is my first book published through House of Erotica and you can check out the book at these links;

houseoferoticabooks.com/our-books/new-releases/bollywood-nights/

and

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Bollywood-Nights-N-J-Winnington-ebook/dp/B00K02EEOQ/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1398762987&sr=1-1&keywords=bollywood+nights

The other recent release is a re-branding of my existing Wicked Perspectives by I. T. Heurtze http://www.amazon.co.uk/Wicked-Perspectives-1-I-Heurtze-ebook/dp/B00K3ECOXY/ref=la_B00FILVC8U_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1400774812&sr=1-2 complete with the addition of samples and links from other talented writers (including those mentioned elsewhere in this blog) with a cover photo by http://www.stevelanephotography.net featuring the perfectly perfect model Tillie http://www.tilliemodel.co.uk

...but that wasn't the question... I am currently writing two more books. An erotic romance set in Rio called Luciana, follows the life and loves of Luciana and her friends. I am co-writing this with the incredible Amanda China (Pictured below and utterly stunning!), who has helped me make this book an incredibly realistic portrayal of life for a beautiful girl in Rio de Janeiro.

My second upcoming book is set closer to home. Called the Road Trip, it follows the adventures of two models on a road trip... Original that isn't, but the locations are real and I am writing it especially for two very special friends.

If that isn't enough I am planning to follow that with a long overdue second comedy novel so Religious Pursuits doesn't sit so lonely among my titles.

2) How does it differ from others of its genre?

I do not consciously try to differ from anyone else. I always try to write my erotica from the perspective of my readers, who are predominantly female and with the comedy I strive to entertain with a few surprising twists to keep readers on their toes.

Most of all I always try to ensure there is a real story that readers can engage with, and characters they can identify with as well!

3)Why do I write what I do?

The comedy I write for my own pleasure. I enjoy the challenge of coming up with an entertaining plot and taking my readers on an enjoyable journey. Laughter is the very best remedy out there, so if I can make people feel good then I have achieved something positive.

I guess the same goes for my erotica. Although it started with private requests from female friends and led to more and more suggestions to publish... I hope I find a loyal following who will enjoy my erotica as well as a following for my comedy.

4) How does my writing process work?

My writing process differs between short and longer stories as well as the different genres. 

All of us feel there is a novel waiting to come out, but the challenge for many is to take the leap from short story to a full and engaging novel. I too undertook this journey when I wrote Religious Pursuits, and my solution has stood me well for the novellas and novels I have worked on since.

I begin with what I call the spine of the book. Main characters, and the journey they will take from the beginning to end of the book form the spine, although other influences can change the direction the book will take, as happened with Religious Pursuits.

To the spine we add a rib cage of peripheral characters. All with their own backgrounds and personalities. They will react and mingle within the main plot, while adding their own stories and distractions to the plot.

By adding detail and dialogue you are adding the flesh to the story, and a little twist or mis-direction gives the plot some limbs to run with. In essence that is how I set about writing my novels.

I hope this little blog has brought a little insight into my writing World. You can see my books at my two authors pages...

http://www.amazon.co.uk/Neil-Winnington/e/B00CMRJZ46/ref=sr_tc_2_0?qid=1383043887&sr=1-2-ent

and

http://www.amazon.co.uk/-/e/B00FILVC8U

...I now get to nominate three more writers, and am going to break the rules by nominating four. 

Emma J. Styles has written a wonderfully frank and engrossing account of real life swinging in Paris http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B00CXY0OLG/?tag=viewbookat-21, and it is all the more erotic and wonderful for being true. Her blog can be found at http://www.emmajstyles.wordpress.com

Charming man is a talented writer and a big support to other writers as well http://www.charmingman.com

My third Nominee is an Angel who is anything but as bad as I'd love her to be, but she is a talented writer worth checking out http://www.angelgonebad.blogspot.co.uk

My naughty fourth nominee is a wonderful friend whose blog is the stuff of erotic dreams for those curious about alternative lifestyles http://www.rebelsnotes.com Marie will certainly open your eyes.

Ida T. Heurtze~The Criminal Mastermind

Ida was arrested for failing to resist arrest in the small principality of Anglesey following an International man hunt due to no-one quite believing that a creature looking like Ida hadn’t started life at some point as a man of some variety.

Her list of crimes were numerous, not least her writing, but her brief dalliance with Hollywood had ended quickly after a steamy affair with a movie director had caused mayhem as he turned his back on Hollywood and turned instead to producing porn.

Ida appeared in several specialist porn productions. There was nothing specifically specialist intended, but the vomiting by several previously considered hardcore male porn stars upon being forced with cattle prods to do the business with her started a whole new genre of extreme hardcore pornography.

With a strike among male performers bringing her new career to an end Ida suddenly found herself on the CIA most wanted list after a copy of her book “The Young Wife” (Available now from Amazon as paperback or a kindle book) found it’s way into the typing pool and quickly became a favourite among the staff there.

Ida found out when she received a letter from her publisher informing her she was on a CIA wanted list and she escaped by tunnel back to Europe where she was discovered years later in a Chip shop she’d opened on the Costa Del Crime in a Village called Spain, where the people sleep during the day and speak with an English accent known as Cockinie.

She had been implicated in various crimes by this point not least a claim that hundreds of innocent Cod had been battered by her in the chip shop while in Spain and that she had acquired the despicable Cockinie accent.

She was also believed to be the mastermind behind an armed robbery in which several hundred shop window mannequins belonging to St Michael of the Marks and Spencer diocese stored in a warehouse had their left arms stolen and a ransom note sent to George Osgood who was well known for buying his stockings and suspenders there.

He had merely passed the note on to his girlfriend David Cameroon who had more of an interest in their blouses as George’s fetish was purely in lingerie unaffected by the loss of one arm during his frequent visits to a correctional facility run by a certain Madame Le Whiplash in the exotic city of Bognor.

Fearing the end of his matching lacy bra and knicker sets as well as the short dresses that masked his gut so well, Cameroon got his gang together for a crisis meeting with an exotic code name of Rattle Snake to make them feel more important than a group of posh public schoolboys has any right to.

After bearing and touching their right nipple rings they sat round the table to discuss the crisis and the head of the Metropolitan police fund agreed to put Ida at the top of his most wanted list, although he had second thoughts once presented with a photo of the miscreant.

Meanwhile the border controls, army and border police were put on high alert, with the added incentive that the photo taken in secret by Osgood in their public school dorm that fateful night when they experimented with alternative sexuality with Buntie’s Labrador Sissy might find its way into the public domain.

The meeting finished with everyone present agreed that Osgood was just as big a shit as he had been when they used him as their fag at school.

As it turned out Ida surfaced in London after an altercation on Eurostar brought the police to escort her off the train. She had been en route back to Nark after the bottom fell out of the chip shop business with the Spanish evicting their British immigrants as a response to Britain’s UKIP and Con parties working so hard to be unfriendly and spitting their dummies out in Europe.

The trial saw a media scrum and with the aristocratic elite baying for blood it was inevitable that Ida would be found guilty and sent down for 135 years, which as anyone familiar with the British penal system will tell you equated to three weeks behind bars in a low security prison.

She emerged to a rapturous media reception, and her conviction was later quashed when it was revealed that she couldn’t have sent the ransom note because it had a postmark stamped in The United States of Cleethorpes!

With the apologies and a compensation cheque from the court, she returned to Nark by first class postcard to rekindle her romance with a German Shepard dog called Albert!



Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

Available now in Paperback from...
Createspace
https://www.createspace.com/3797405

You may also want to visit my author’s page www.amazon.com/author/neilwinnington or www.amazon.co.uk/author/neilwinnington for those of an English accent

Eroticon14 Meet and Greet

Hi folks... I will be attending my first Eroticon conference for Erotic writers and bloggers in March and have been asked to do a question and answer session by way of an introduction to myself, so here goes...

What's your name?

Neil Winnington

What are you most looking forward to about Eroticon 2014?

A chance to meet fellow writers I may have only chatted to on Twitter, but also to swap notes on experiences both publishing and with self marketing... I am also looking forward to attending some of the seminars being organised throughout the weekend.


What are you most nervous of about Eroticon 2014?

I think I am more worried about what people will make of me than the other way round. I am slow to judge anyone but myself, and often spend a long time chastising myself over verbal gaffs that the recipients often forget about instantly... I am generally a friendly outgoing person, and look forward to meeting everyone.


What do you hope to get from Eroticon 2014?

Mostly it is the aforementioned exchange of marketing and publishing experience... I am trying some new ideas myself which may help other writers too, so it would be just as nice to help someone else as to receive a pearl of wisdom... I am sure the events of the weekend will inspire me too. I do after all practice what I preach lol.


What is your bad erotica writer's pen name?

It would appear I am Xylaphonia Rubik... Pleased to meet you lol

General Compton Smyth and the Pea Shooter Brigade… Part Four

The secret meeting in the village hall gave the angry population of Aver Wallop a chance to compare notes and air their suspicions over the strange events since the smallholding just outside the village was occupied by the strange group of soldiers.

Beyond co-incidence and suspicion there was no real evidence to link the baby boom, randy dogs and choking fits leading to amorous behaviour with the strange band of squaddies, led by the little Sergeant, but the fact that somehow they were always in the vicinity when all these incidents happened made it far more than mere coincidence.

It was decided that the smallholding and its occupants should be watched a little more closely, with a later meeting scheduled to discuss their findings.

The opportunity to act came sooner than expected, as privates Davison and Adams boisterously entered the pub where the meeting was breaking up, having been given leave for the evening.

The young farmers, still smarting from their humiliation a couple of months earlier knew exactly what to do, and made a point of befriending the interlopers. They assured their new friends that the real men of the village proved themselves in a sort of rights of passage by drinking the local speciality, Abbott’s Reserve. A particularly potent local ale which only had its high alcohol content as a selling point, being revolting in flavour and odour as well!

A few pints later and the two squaddies were, to say the least inebriated and comfortable enough with the company and surroundings to be brazen enough to ask where a young soldier might venture to find girls… or to be more precise, prostitutes?

This was music to the ears of the young farmers who all agreed that the lady the soldiers needed to meet was called Dolly. She was very special in these parts, and according to the farmers, very much part of the rights of passage the squaddies would need to undergo to truly be welcomed into the community.

It was agreed that the new boys needed a few more pints of Abbot’s Reserve to be ready for Dolly, which only excited the randy boys even more!

The extra dosage of Abbot’s did bring a confession from the soldiers about the secret training they were undergoing, and their regret for the mayhem caused at the tug of war, although their laughter at the memories of the way Sergeant Grimm fixed the result were met with smiles through gritted teeth by the farmers saddled with an extra mouth to feed as a result of the baby boom the prank had led to.

At last the villagers’ suspicions were confirmed, and now it was time to take the barely conscious squaddies to meet Dolly.

The farmers bundled the young members of Her Majesty’s finest into the back of a Land Rover, tying their wrists and ankles to ensure they didn’t sober up and find a way to escape.

Upon reaching a dark wet farmyard, with driving rain hampering the operation, the young farmers dragged the soldiers into an out building where Dolly stood tethered and chewing on some hay, unaware of the role she was about to play in the fate of two young lads.

The squaddies were stripped to their underwear and in the confusion no-one bothered asking Dolly’s owner how come his sheep came with stockings and suspenders. They were too busy moving Private Davison and Private Adams into various incriminating poses.

Unfortunately the farmers hadn’t counted on Private Adams’ rather robust constitution, and while their captors were busy manhandling his colleague Adams managed to untie himself and escape into the driving rain.

He managed to evade the pursuing mob, and ran out the back of the farm into the fields beyond. Unfortunately his navigation skills didn’t match his ability to escape, and slowed by the driving rain, poor visibility and shivering from the lack of clothing, he wandered aimlessly in circles.

This completely messed up the plans of the farmers, who had planned to dump their captives outside the smallholding where they’d been billeted, but by the time they’d tied Private Davison up and found the crying Adams staggering in the lower field just before dawn, all they could do was tie the squaddies together with old sacks over their heads.

A heated discussion laced with talk of throat cutting for the benefit of the scared captives then ensued before they were once again roughly manhandled into the back of a Land Rover and driven away.


Sympathy for the fate of his charges was not forthcoming from Sergeant Grimm, who was fuming at the two soldiers being AOL at roll call. The others were sent out in teams of two to search for the pair, while he set out into the village to re-trace their steps.

The locals were unusually and suspiciously guarded in their response to questions, but Grimm was able to get confirmation that the two boys had been drinking heavily and were last seen staggering out of the pub. According to the landlord, he didn’t see them go, but was sure they’d left on their own.

With the search parties around the village drawing a blank, the sergeant was absolutely livid, and planning the punishments for the two little shits when he got his hands on them.

It turned out the opportunity would come sooner than he thought, as a police car drew up alongside him as he marched back through the high street. After confirming descriptions of the missing men he was invited to get in as the amused constables set off to investigate a report of two near naked men found in the car park of a transport café some miles from Aver Wallop.

As the giggling truckers surrounding the hapless pair parted with the approach of two policemen and a purple faced army sergeant the pathetic pair were revealed, sat up and tied together wearing nothing but their boxer shorts. Worse still and much to the amusement of everyone but Grimm and his charges they were surrounded by pictures of them in various compromising poses with a sheep dressed up in suspenders and stockings.

Even Grimm realised that the two were victims of a serious prank, and his fury moved from the idiots who’d let themselves get into such a mess to the villagers who were clearly complicit in the act…

…The battle of Aver Wallop had truly begun.



Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

Available now in Paperback from...
Createspace
https://www.createspace.com/3797405

You may also want to visit my author’s page www.amazon.com/author/neilwinnington

Blog Hop Interview - Tag, You're It!

I have Skarlett Flame to thank for me taking part in this Blog Hop, and apologise for being over a week late in answering the questions... I hope I am forgiven.

A couple of weeks ago Skarlett answered these questions on her blog, which can be found here... http://missscarlettflame.blogspot.co.uk/ and comes highly recommended by me, and nominated three more authors to answer the very same questions and pass the baton on. I was one of those authors, but am as usual late and missed the deadline haha. 

So here we go with the questions, and answer session, which I hope introduces you all a little to my work...

1, What are you working on right now?

I am actually working on two versions of the same book "Bollywood Nights" inspired by a conversation I had with my beautiful friend, and Bollywood Actress & poster girl, Bhairavi Goswami. The conversation set me thinking about doing a story based around the Bollywood the World never sees, but it is a pure fiction rather than being based on any real events.

There will be two versions, a XXX Erotic version for my Western Audiences (Probably published as an I.T. Heurtze book) and a more romantic version without the graphic sex scenes for the Indian audience.

The story centres on a beautiful, and intelligent Bollywood Actress called Priya, who meets an English Man at the launch party for her latest film. It sets in motion an unlikely romance, which is surely doomed to failure given the very different public image they have to maintain, yet love it seems is stronger than the barriers placed in its way, and they overcome some challenges as the story progresses.

I have tried to give a taste of the magic of Bollywood, with visits to film sets, and a little drama and comedy to keep you hanging on the next page.

There may be more news regarding this story and I may be persuaded to write a sequel to bring it up to date if there is enough response from readers.

2, How does it differ from other work in it's genre?

I haven't consciously tried to be radically different with my work. But with my comedy I have tried to keep the situations believable. In my erotica I try to write from a different perspective and allow readers into the story. 

With Bollywood Nights I set out to tell a short story taking my western readers into a World they have not seen, and by removing the sex to create a more romantic edition of the story I am trying to reach a new audience in India. 

I suppose by having two different versions of the same story it is a little bit different to the norm, but it is proving to be an enjoyable challenge.

I am always keen to broaden my reach and find readers to read my comedy novels as well as the erotica and sports books.

3, Why do you write what you do?

That is a good question... The comedy like Religious Pursuits, which is, my best work to date, comes to me as I look at the World and see comedy in the everyday situations we all encounter.

With the erotica I am usually encouraged by female friends to write more, and as readers become new friends the requests keep coming in.

Bollywood nights came from me being a film director and wanting to work on a project someday with Bhairavi. The conversation led to a challenge for me to come up with a story set in India, and as I know about film sets the idea of peering behind the scenes came to me, but I have not based the story on any person or set of events, although there is a certain element of the English character which is quite close to home. 

I have also tried to add my voice to the strong political pressure to change perceptions towards women in India following several high profile rape cases. I wanted to add to the debate through the scenes and elements of a fictitious book which is really my way of putting my viewpoint across to the audience.

I feel it important that men understand that women have the right to dress or act as provocatively as they wish, but we should always respect their right to say no. Sex can be a wonderful thing to explore, but it is always so much better when there is consent. It is a woman's basic human right to be allowed to conduct themselves with equality and respect, and some elements of my book try to convey that message.

4, How does your writing process work?

Another good question... It's a little different between my short stories and my novels. With the short stories I have a situation and create characters to play out those scenes. 

With my novels it's a bit more complicated... I usually have a basic idea for a story from start, through the middle to the end. I then create characters and give them their own separate stories to play out around the central bones of the story... so call that the flesh of the story, and then I add a few touches and you have a book.

Going back to Religious Pursuits, in that case I took some characters I felt were believable, and gave them all a funny secret back story. I then gave them a set of circumstances that would flush their secrets out and let them loose on one another in the safe isolation of an innocent village. The book pretty well wrote itself then.

Once again though, with Bollywood Nights, I have found that by creating the characters this is the first book since Religious Pursuits which has been pretty well writing itself in this way.

I hope this has been interesting and an insight to the way I work as a writer, and now it is my turn to nominate three more writers to be tagged and they will hopefully post their responses by 14th October.

They are...

Marie Rebelle

Charming Man

Angel Gone Bad

Ida T. Heurtze The Muse

After gaining a nasty rash in Milan Ida decided to accept an invitation from renowned French artist Pierre La Pong who had initially made his name painting blimps before discovering women and eager to switch to painting life studies.

Ida who has developed a taste for Pizza in Milan was the perfect muse for the little man with a bad temper, which is apparently a common illness among Frenchmen.

She mounted a train ticket and travelled backwards to Paris, via Prague, Istanbul, Munich and Moscow because trains kept going to places she didn’t intend to go to and the stations insisted in writing in foreign.

Eventually finding someone to ask who understood her Nark accent she managed to get a train to Paris, but got thrown off halfway for slapping the guard who had been keen to “Put ze hole in ze teeket…”

She managed to get a later train to Paris and was met at the station by Pierre’s assistant Morris, who insisted on pronouncing his name Mooreesse, which was wrong.

Paris was full of foreigners just like Milan, making Ida wonder how they managed to find anything as all the signs were also in foreign, and so was the food, although their muesli was almost a decent alternative to porridge, even if it tasted strange with salt.

Pierre had bought bigger canvasses in preparation for Ida, and gasped with awe the first time the now famous smut monkey removed her camel hair underwear and assumed the position for him to paint her.

Using all the skills he’d gained from painting zeppelins, the little Frenchman standing on his favourite stool, set about immortalising the woman who was becoming the object of his desires.

For her part Ida was somewhat confused expecting some kind of elaborate face painting, and her confusion only grew as the little man broke off from painting and dragged his stool across to the sofa he insisted on calling a Shay Long or something… Then grabbing her hand and kissing his way up her arm before almost passing out as he got too close to Ida’s hairy armpit.

Coming close to passing out was interpreted by Pierre as love, which he’d only experienced previously after discovering mirrors.

Their affair became the talk of Paris, with other Frenchmen envying Pierre as he paraded his muse around all the flesh spots in Paris, and suddenly his art was in demand and he became as famous for portraying folds of white flesh as his platform shoes with fashionably square toes.

The lovers shared an apartment in Paris for three years, but their relationship ended when the little man discovered a thirst for power, like so many little Frenchmen before him and went into politics.

As you can’t be a French politician without having at least one mistress, Pierre was now too tired to satisfy Ida’s insatiable lust and she stormed out to begin a wild and tempestuous relationship with Pierre’s biggest rival, the sculptor Alan Mon Sweat.

Their relationship was wild and dirty, because he worked with clay, but it too came to an end when Alan was bankrupted because of the extra material needed to make sculptures of his muse.

Ida then went on to inspire the rear end styling of a car by Renault’s dim witted head of design but had left the country before he found his glasses.

Ida then trained to break the record for swimming the channel from France to England but as the French, strangely, didn’t use lard for cooking she couldn’t get enough to cover her entire body and her large white carcass caused panic among the shipping fraternity who hadn’t previously seen an iceberg that far south.

Giving up on the plan to save money by swimming, Ida crossed by accident instead and decided to follow her heroine Jeremy Clarkson to become a professional feminist until it went out of fashion.

Ida then chose to use her experiences with continental foreigners to write smut because she’d heard a nasty man in advertising say once that sex sells.

It was around this time that she first set eyes on the future love of her life, General Compton Smyth when she attended a village fete as part of her book signing tour to promote her new novel 51 Shades of Pink!

He hardly noticed her at the time, and Ida was pre-occupied by a row between the vicar and his wife over an erection she had something to do with even though Ida was pretty sure she had never had an erection.

The book tour was a huge success, and Ida became famed as a writer of smut with film companies keen to buy the rights for a Hollywood version which earned Ida £42.50 and a trip to Los Angeles which is in the Village of America.

This was a strange place to Ida because all the foreigners spoke English, but she could tell they were foreigners because of their bad taste in clothes and insistence on not speaking English properly like the Scots do!



Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

Available now in Paperback from...
Createspace
https://www.createspace.com/3797405

You may also want to visit my author’s page www.amazon.com/author/neilwinnington