Thursday, June 20, 2013

Ida T. Heurtze and the Battle of the literary Narks

Unfortunately my efforts to type up and bring the first novel by Ida T. Heurtze to print have been delayed slightly by Ida getting herself arrested, which by all accounts is just the latest incident in a blood feud with Gladys McTavish of the Clan McTavish.

Ida’s family had always been thought of as outsiders or incomers in the town of Nark ever since a relative several generations back acquired a German sounding name for them in a raffle. He had in fact won top prize, which was life membership to the Tory Party, but national pride and an aversion to trousers, bigotry and the colour blue made him choose to take the runners up prize and the name Heurtze.

The rivalry with Gladys McTavish of the Clan McTavish started at school when the vacancy for class swot was keenly contested by the two girls, briefly along with Suzie Blaire, whose eagerness to put her hand up so often was due to a sore shoulder.

The rivalry continued beyond school to consume them as they pursued careers in journalism. Ida found her calling with the local newspaper, The Nark Ark with several significant reports on the failure to establish a goldfish fishery in Lock Loast and the fire at the local Whisky Distillery.

Her rival meanwhile went to a foreign land and found work at a newspaper in the English village of Newcastle. England is a country way to the South run by idiots who liked bending over to be beaten at expensive schools, and then by Madam De Sade when they reached public office.

Newcastle being a forgotten outpost had a newspaper called The Cartoon and Gladys McTavish of the Clan McTavish went down there to write stories about their little football team and brown ale, which is a watery whisky they liked in those parts.

Gladys started as a staff writer and worked her way up to editor before returning home to become editor of The Nark Ark a role Ida T. Heurtze had set her heart on after years of sexual harassment. She soon stopped the harassment and tried other tactics, but the editor retired of her own volition and Ida naturally assumed the job would be hers!

From the outset there were disagreements over the direction the ark should take, and Ida objected to the new editor going tabloid and giving the front page to Jimmy McDuff of the Clan McDuff who became a local celebrity when he landed a walk on part in the Taggart police series. His drunken ramblings while on holiday living rough in Glasgow caught the attention of the director who had just fired the actor hired to play a bum in the scene.
“Why don’t we just use a real bum like…? Like HIM!” and so Jimmy McDuff became a celebrity in Nark.

Jimmy hadn’t been given a line to speak, but he did have one of the lead actors stand quite close to him when he declared, “There’s been a Murrrrrderrrrr!”

Giving the front page to a celebrity story jarred with Ida who saw her report on Billy McNish of the Clan McNish being given a control order banning him from contact with sheep after an incident caught on camera in a sting by the Ark’s staff photographer Andrew McMuck of the Clan McMuck!

The sheep in question had been tethered at the roadside under a lamppost on Billy Mcnish’s route home from the pub, with a rather fetching bow tied around her neck, and special black suspenders to entice anyone so inclined for the planned feature “Beastiality…Fact or Fiction?”

Billy succumbed to the honey trap and Andrew McMuck took the incriminating pictures, although this proved a challenge when Billy McNish got so distracted by his desire to pleasure himself with the sheep that he found it difficult to smile for a clean shot. Another problem was the sheep failing to realise its’ moment of fame and struggling somewhat.

The feature drew widespread acclaim in the local pub, and delighted Ida by being taken up by an English comic called the Daily Sport.

Ida’s follow-up story on the subsequent trial of Billy McNish of the Clan McNish was intended by her to be her crowning achievement, especially as members of UKIP desperate to drum up support in Scotland had donned summer dresses because they heard of the Scottish propensity for wearing skirts, and were protesting outside the court, each with a sheep on a lead in support of Billy and the “…rights of every man to love his animals!” according to their spokesman, “…We will fight the EU who imposed these laws on animal welfare upon us” he continued, “A right to LOVE your animals that would be protected if UKIP came to power!”

The UKIP intervention didn’t spring them into power in Scotland, it merely split the Conservative party vote which up until then stood at an all time high of zero!

This snub to Ida was merely the latest in a string of insults, starting with her story on the launch of the local distillery launching that years vintage being usurped by a feature on kilt hem lines, and reaching a climax with the request to forego a feature on a campaign to have Nark Haggis trademarked as a local product in favour of a report on porridge snorkelling. This brought the feud to a head and it’s a matter of debate whether Ida quit the Ark or was fired, but such was the bad feeling that it split the town down the middle.

It very nearly split Ida in two when a pub sign she was standing under while drowning her sorrows fell and missed her by inches. Foul play was suspected, but no chickens were in the area.

Then Gladys got a parking ticket on the high street on a Monday, when everyone knew the traffic wardens only came to Nark on a Thursday afternoon between 1:30 and 3:00pm! Ida’s fingerprints were said to be found on the offending ticket and she was consequently arrested for impersonating a person who mattered.

Upon hearing that Ida was the local swing voter several political parties made it their business to intervene and declared an interest in saving their innocent voter, only to discover upon her release that the rumours about Ida’s voting habits were in fact gained from playing a parlour game judging style and performance at the sophisticated adult parties held by Benny McSwindle of the Clan McSwindle in his new pigsty.

Regardless of the reason for this intervention I am assured that Ida is back on the game and will be sending the latest part of her manuscript wrapped in a freshly worn pair of knickers and a brand new house brick!

Please do check out my Amazon Author page where you will find my published titles including my comedy novel Religious Pursuits and LFC fanbook The Importance of being a Red!
Feedback is always welcome both there and here.

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