Sunday, August 25, 2013

Ida T. Heurtze The Muse

After gaining a nasty rash in Milan Ida decided to accept an invitation from renowned French artist Pierre La Pong who had initially made his name painting blimps before discovering women and eager to switch to painting life studies.

Ida who has developed a taste for Pizza in Milan was the perfect muse for the little man with a bad temper, which is apparently a common illness among Frenchmen.

She mounted a train ticket and travelled backwards to Paris, via Prague, Istanbul, Munich and Moscow because trains kept going to places she didn’t intend to go to and the stations insisted in writing in foreign.

Eventually finding someone to ask who understood her Nark accent she managed to get a train to Paris, but got thrown off halfway for slapping the guard who had been keen to “Put ze hole in ze teeket…”

She managed to get a later train to Paris and was met at the station by Pierre’s assistant Morris, who insisted on pronouncing his name Mooreesse, which was wrong.

Paris was full of foreigners just like Milan, making Ida wonder how they managed to find anything as all the signs were also in foreign, and so was the food, although their muesli was almost a decent alternative to porridge, even if it tasted strange with salt.

Pierre had bought bigger canvasses in preparation for Ida, and gasped with awe the first time the now famous smut monkey removed her camel hair underwear and assumed the position for him to paint her.

Using all the skills he’d gained from painting zeppelins, the little Frenchman standing on his favourite stool, set about immortalising the woman who was becoming the object of his desires.

For her part Ida was somewhat confused expecting some kind of elaborate face painting, and her confusion only grew as the little man broke off from painting and dragged his stool across to the sofa he insisted on calling a Shay Long or something… Then grabbing her hand and kissing his way up her arm before almost passing out as he got too close to Ida’s hairy armpit.

Coming close to passing out was interpreted by Pierre as love, which he’d only experienced previously after discovering mirrors.

Their affair became the talk of Paris, with other Frenchmen envying Pierre as he paraded his muse around all the flesh spots in Paris, and suddenly his art was in demand and he became as famous for portraying folds of white flesh as his platform shoes with fashionably square toes.

The lovers shared an apartment in Paris for three years, but their relationship ended when the little man discovered a thirst for power, like so many little Frenchmen before him and went into politics.

As you can’t be a French politician without having at least one mistress, Pierre was now too tired to satisfy Ida’s insatiable lust and she stormed out to begin a wild and tempestuous relationship with Pierre’s biggest rival, the sculptor Alan Mon Sweat.

Their relationship was wild and dirty, because he worked with clay, but it too came to an end when Alan was bankrupted because of the extra material needed to make sculptures of his muse.

Ida then went on to inspire the rear end styling of a car by Renault’s dim witted head of design but had left the country before he found his glasses.

Ida then trained to break the record for swimming the channel from France to England but as the French, strangely, didn’t use lard for cooking she couldn’t get enough to cover her entire body and her large white carcass caused panic among the shipping fraternity who hadn’t previously seen an iceberg that far south.

Giving up on the plan to save money by swimming, Ida crossed by accident instead and decided to follow her heroine Jeremy Clarkson to become a professional feminist until it went out of fashion.

Ida then chose to use her experiences with continental foreigners to write smut because she’d heard a nasty man in advertising say once that sex sells.

It was around this time that she first set eyes on the future love of her life, General Compton Smyth when she attended a village fete as part of her book signing tour to promote her new novel 51 Shades of Pink!

He hardly noticed her at the time, and Ida was pre-occupied by a row between the vicar and his wife over an erection she had something to do with even though Ida was pretty sure she had never had an erection.

The book tour was a huge success, and Ida became famed as a writer of smut with film companies keen to buy the rights for a Hollywood version which earned Ida £42.50 and a trip to Los Angeles which is in the Village of America.

This was a strange place to Ida because all the foreigners spoke English, but she could tell they were foreigners because of their bad taste in clothes and insistence on not speaking English properly like the Scots do!

Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

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