Monday, November 10, 2014

The British Economy and EC situation explained… Sort of…

David Cameroon and George Osgood were old school friends who inherited a business called UK.Con. They were also members of a business club called the EU that their friends didn’t like, so to look clever to their friends they would keep having tantrums in club meetings and threatening to take their toys away, which made them very unpopular with all the other club members.

Once upon a time the family business used to make things that people could use, and an ancient ancestor enrolled the business in the European club so they could sell more of these things to other club members. Before they joined they asked all their friends if they should, and everyone agreed it was a good idea.

David’s Great Grandmother Maggie didn’t like the club much, because the other members didn’t always agree with her and she hated anyone who disagreed with her. The only people she hated more than the stuffy old men who ran the club were her own workers, so she decided to sack all her manufacturing workers and change the family firm into a financial business selling dodgy financial products to her friends and other club members.

Realising that the stupid bitch was planning to take away competition from their own manufacturing businesses the club members agreed to give her business a rebate on her membership fee if she promised NEVER to make anything useful again… and Maggie thought this was a wonderful thing and told all her friends she had tricked the stuffy old men in the club!

Maggie was happy because she didn’t have to deal with workers anymore, and by giving money to her friends she made sure she bought their loyalty long after she finished ruining the business.

When her favourite son took over the family business after all her other kids said they didn’t love her any more things got so bad that the workers collective who used to represent the factory workers Maggie used to employ briefly took over the company from Maggie’s greedy family, but they realised that the company was making plenty of money selling dodgy financial products, so they didn’t bother starting to make useful things again.

After they started fighting among themselves they became indistinguishable from Maggie’s family, and someone somewhere noticed the Emperor wasn’t wearing any clothes, and also that the company had a massive pyramid selling scheme that had no real money to pay everyone if they asked for their money back… Everyone asked for their money back!

Maggie’s family, now led by David Cameroon seized their chance to take over the company, and set about telling everyone the previous management had really mucked things up, even though their own family had invented the very pyramid scheme that had bankrupted the company.

In order to make some more friends Cameroon and Osgood told everyone that the very workers Maggie had made redundant were stealing money from the company, and that because of them and their representatives who’d lost all that money all the poor people couldn’t have money at all, so the rich people could have even more.

They argued that rich people getting richer would give money to the poorer poor if they learned to dance and jump very high. Unfortunately the very poor who were disabled couldn’t jump at all, but Cameroon and Osgood said they were all pretending, so they came up with a scheme where disabled people who learned to jump could earn money and all the rest would have their money taken away to be given to the rich!

In spite of the efforts to demonise the poor, some of Cameroon and Osgood’s friends got even greedier, and wanted to leave the club and keep other club members out of their garden. This put pressure on Cameroon to stop playing nicely at the club, so he took all his toys home and stopped being nice. The other club members carried on playing without him, and said he couldn’t play games if he wasn’t going to play nicely any more.

The club members were playing monopoly and noticed that Cameroon and Osgood had been doing a bit better than them, and because the club rules said that everyone shared their pocket money they presented Cameroon and Osgood with a bill, pointing to the rules of the club that Osgood and Cameroon hadn’t bothered reading.

Cameroon spat out his dummy and told all his friends he wouldn’t pay, and that he would throw stones at the other club members until they gave up! Not being very good at throwing though Cameroon only managed to smash up his own greenhouse, so he sent Osgood to beg the other club members to not take all their pocket money away.

Osgood being such a nasty little creep who’d upset everyone in the club even more than Cameroon, stood no chance and the club members said there’s no way he could get what he wanted, so Osgood burst into tears saying that everyone hated him.

He made such a pathetic spectacle, that the club offered to give George the rebate the family business had received ever since Maggie closed her factories a little earlier to help him out… so long as he stopped snivelling. They also said he could pay the bill in two installments to give him time to find some more poor people to rob.

The rebate was half of the bill they’d been given and Osgood made an even bigger spectacle of himself by bursting into tears and promising never to be such a prick again.

However, being the slimy little shit that he was he called Cameroon and they told ALL their friends Osgood had negotiated to pay half the original bill and had gone into the club and beat everyone up!

One day Cameroon and Osgood, Maggie and their dodgy financial products will really finish off their company, but too many of their friends are lining their pockets to care, and the Emperor is still walking around naked!

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