Friday, February 7, 2014

Ida T. Heurtze~The Criminal Mastermind

Ida was arrested for failing to resist arrest in the small principality of Anglesey following an International man hunt due to no-one quite believing that a creature looking like Ida hadn’t started life at some point as a man of some variety.

Her list of crimes were numerous, not least her writing, but her brief dalliance with Hollywood had ended quickly after a steamy affair with a movie director had caused mayhem as he turned his back on Hollywood and turned instead to producing porn.

Ida appeared in several specialist porn productions. There was nothing specifically specialist intended, but the vomiting by several previously considered hardcore male porn stars upon being forced with cattle prods to do the business with her started a whole new genre of extreme hardcore pornography.

With a strike among male performers bringing her new career to an end Ida suddenly found herself on the CIA most wanted list after a copy of her book “The Young Wife” (Available now from Amazon as paperback or a kindle book) found it’s way into the typing pool and quickly became a favourite among the staff there.

Ida found out when she received a letter from her publisher informing her she was on a CIA wanted list and she escaped by tunnel back to Europe where she was discovered years later in a Chip shop she’d opened on the Costa Del Crime in a Village called Spain, where the people sleep during the day and speak with an English accent known as Cockinie.

She had been implicated in various crimes by this point not least a claim that hundreds of innocent Cod had been battered by her in the chip shop while in Spain and that she had acquired the despicable Cockinie accent.

She was also believed to be the mastermind behind an armed robbery in which several hundred shop window mannequins belonging to St Michael of the Marks and Spencer diocese stored in a warehouse had their left arms stolen and a ransom note sent to George Osgood who was well known for buying his stockings and suspenders there.

He had merely passed the note on to his girlfriend David Cameroon who had more of an interest in their blouses as George’s fetish was purely in lingerie unaffected by the loss of one arm during his frequent visits to a correctional facility run by a certain Madame Le Whiplash in the exotic city of Bognor.

Fearing the end of his matching lacy bra and knicker sets as well as the short dresses that masked his gut so well, Cameroon got his gang together for a crisis meeting with an exotic code name of Rattle Snake to make them feel more important than a group of posh public schoolboys has any right to.

After bearing and touching their right nipple rings they sat round the table to discuss the crisis and the head of the Metropolitan police fund agreed to put Ida at the top of his most wanted list, although he had second thoughts once presented with a photo of the miscreant.

Meanwhile the border controls, army and border police were put on high alert, with the added incentive that the photo taken in secret by Osgood in their public school dorm that fateful night when they experimented with alternative sexuality with Buntie’s Labrador Sissy might find its way into the public domain.

The meeting finished with everyone present agreed that Osgood was just as big a shit as he had been when they used him as their fag at school.

As it turned out Ida surfaced in London after an altercation on Eurostar brought the police to escort her off the train. She had been en route back to Nark after the bottom fell out of the chip shop business with the Spanish evicting their British immigrants as a response to Britain’s UKIP and Con parties working so hard to be unfriendly and spitting their dummies out in Europe.

The trial saw a media scrum and with the aristocratic elite baying for blood it was inevitable that Ida would be found guilty and sent down for 135 years, which as anyone familiar with the British penal system will tell you equated to three weeks behind bars in a low security prison.

She emerged to a rapturous media reception, and her conviction was later quashed when it was revealed that she couldn’t have sent the ransom note because it had a postmark stamped in The United States of Cleethorpes!

With the apologies and a compensation cheque from the court, she returned to Nark by first class postcard to rekindle her romance with a German Shepard dog called Albert!

Please do check out the other titles I have published including my comedy novel, Religious Pursuits by Neil Winnington which can all be found on Amazon.

Religious Pursuits
By Neil Winnington
ISBN 1470071347

Sergeant Goode is close to his retirement, a situation irritating him enough before a young pen pusher without any respect for village life had been sent to get to know the local patch.

When his girlfriend falls fatally during a row, blind panic sets in and Goode makes a hasty exit, triggering a sequence of events which would see a simple accident become the centre of a major police investigation quickly spiralling out of control.

Starting with a detective sergeant with a desire to prove his theory that all serious crime can be closely linked to the occult, the villagers, all hiding secrets of varying degrees set up a fake occult meeting complete with a frozen chicken as the animal sacrifice.

With a discredited former tabloid journalist, hungry to find the big story that would bring him back into the Fleet Street fold, a village gossip with a murky war-time secret desperate to hide her true identity, and a group of investigators, sent to discredit the local Reverend and protect the church’s reputation, all combined to escalate the situation further, this sleepy Devon village soon becomes the centre of a national media scandal.

As if things couldn’t get any worse, a hostage situation draws in even more police, and even a squad of soldiers led by a battle hungry sergeant with a massive chip on his shoulder, and the story takes on a final twist, before culminating in a car chase like no other and a cliff hanger end

Available now in Paperback from...

You may also want to visit my author’s page or for those of an English accent

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